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Evolution of a first line.

(Crossposted from Jennifer Brozek)

This the evolution of the first line of my newest Karen Wilson Chronicles background story. I don't know if the last version of the sentence is the final version but I'm happy with it right now.


The meeting place was a large, unnatural boulder. (Too passive.)

They met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder. (Active. Better but who is “they”?)

The Grey Lady and Sees-the-Wind met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder.  (Good. Who is meeting but why?)

The Grey Lady and Sees-the-Wind met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder on the anniversary of the Pact.  (Better but… meh.)

The Grey Lady and Sees-the-Wind met in the shadow of a large, unnatural boulder that marked the beginning of the Pact between the Makah tribe and the Fair Folk. (Great. Who, where, why, culture.)

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
sargon999
Sep. 6th, 2013 12:02 am (UTC)
So the boulder marks the beginning of the pact? Not what I think you meant. And 'unnatural' is too vague, needs to be more specific. I mean, what is an unnatural boulder, really?

Maybe: "On the day that marked the beginning of the Pact, Sees-the-Wind and the Grey Lady met in shadow, under a boulder that - (go on to describe boulder a bit)"
sargon999
Sep. 6th, 2013 12:05 am (UTC)
Sorry, I get focused on the words and forget my social niceties. That came out sounding kind of assholeish when it wasn't meant that way.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )